My first breakdown
During the first lockdown, I felt a sense of heaviness in my chest and my college was about to end, so I associated this feeling with that and thought I would get through it once the lockdown lifted. The only thing that helped me stay sane was my dog, he was like an emotional support for me. My family was going through some troubled times and so we visited a psychologist to deal with the family situation. When he looked at me, he could sense that I was dealing with something of my own. That’s when I let it all out, I cried, I didn’t know why. I had internalised all my emotional struggles and built a wall around me so as to not add more to my family’s plate.
My first therapy session
Everyone tells you to find a therapist to talk about your trauma and struggles but no one tells you how tough it is to find the right therapist. I met my therapist through an ex, one conversation with her was enough for her to understand my past and present trauma and my patterns. I am an empath and I’ve been in relationships that drain me emotionally, she made me realise that I needed to break that pattern. The little girl inside me was hurting, I wasn’t able to let myself heal. She would give me exercises, journal writing, bucket lists to make and I just wouldn’t be able to. It took me a while to let that go and start my healing journey.
I had always looked up to my mother, she is my role model. She was a multi-tasker from the get go, she was a working woman, a mother of 2, a dutiful wife and the best daughter and daughter-in-law one could ask for. I tried mirroring her and in the bargain I faced a numerous amount of anxiety. It took years for me to understand that I am not her, I can’t juggle 5 things at the same time. So the day I realised this, was the day I decided to choose to play one role for the day. I am human and not a superwoman, I chose to prioritise keeping myself happy over anyone else. I make plenty of mistakes daily but I also learn from them and try to be a better version of myself and no one else.
Setting myself free – Saying No to Toxic people
I was in this relationship for about 2 years and over time, I started to lose myself bit by bit. I was doing things that made them happy but I was losing chunks of me in the bargain, whether it was my friends, my passion or interests. I realised i was being gaslit into believe in that i wasnt doing enough. Slowly i detached myself from this relationship and decided to move on. Now, I focus on my happiness and I do things that bring me joy. It’s very easy to lose oneself in a relationship, but it isn’t necessarily the right thing. This relationship taught me the importance of saying no to toxic behaviour and people.