It was going on quite good as I sorted out my future plans and my career. My passion was to go abroad and study as I always wanted to. It wasn’t easy to convince my parents for two reasons – one because I was the only child and two because a lot of money was required. However, what boosted up the super dull situation at home was my scholarship worth Rs. 7,00,000 that the university abroad offered for my excellence in academics. Yet, there was a lot of money required and it sort of started bothering me and put me through a guilt trip for spending a lot of my father’s money.
I decided to take up part time once I reach there and help my dad with loans. Everything was exciting and the day arrived when I finally had to say goodbye to a lot of loved ones. It wasn’t particularly easy but I was excited that I am finally nearing my dream. The first week was a nightmare in London as I have never lived all by myself, managed expenses, cooked and studied! I enjoyed every moment of my new life until the money my dad had given me was almost over and my bank balance was nearing about 1000 rupees. It was nearly impossible for me to live in an expensive place like London with 100 bucks in hand.
When I was about to ask my dad for some more money I realized that he himself is struggling financially and it is not the right time. I hadn’t received my work permit yet and that didn’t allow me to get myself a job. I felt guilty every day for putting my parents through a tough time for fulfilling my own dreams – I was being selfish. This guilt turned into anxiety and depression seeped in. I was in denial every day that there is nothing like depression and I’m just dramatizing my life and the people around me. I eventually surrounded myself with darkness (literally and figuratively) and negativity. I wouldn’t eat, I wouldn’t bathe, I wouldn’t go to classes and I started going to lecturer’s office more to take in all the complaints about my performance.
Everything fell apart gradually. I lost my concentration in academics, I didn’t make a single friend back there. I used to walk miles and come back walking. I still didn’t ask my dad for money but there were times when he would send them to me as much as he could. I used to immediately go get some fruits and vegetables to add in some nutrients. However, I never gained weight and never felt like waking up. I didn’t talk to my parents on a video call. However, my dad visited me once and broke down into tears on seeing nothing but just my facial expressions – which was basically numb.
I do not remember the exact day when it all started but it was darker than hell would ever be. I cried a lot and I was so silent at times that I opened my mouth to just take in some air. Everything went out of proportion for no reason and I tried to end my life because I didn’t have a purpose to live anymore. I didn’t do it and honestly, I cannot also give you a reason why I didn’t – I just decided to sleep on it. It was that phasein my life where I loved lonliness than myself.
Fortunately for me, I had an understanding boyfriend, friends and parents who continuously struggled to help me through it. I still didn’t want to believe that I had depression until I went for a session with a psychologist. Clinical depression is real, folks. It need not have a reason like mine to trigger in. It just magically appears, talks to you and finally rules you. Social stigma regarding depression and anxiety must go away and for that to happen the people who love us must emotionally understand what we are going through.
Remember to always be open up about what you feel because that really helps. Talk, take help and finally, fight depression because there is nothing you can’t!